Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Nicole vs. Life
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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