We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
