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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you didnt know i had herpes?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think my moral compass just broke
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