God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
a search helicopter?!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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