my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
