I am spending my child support on dildos
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
