The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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