Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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