I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
