I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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