No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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