No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
