Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
