there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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