I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
