Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
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Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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