I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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