you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
