I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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