I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
