We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
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Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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