Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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