dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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