Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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