Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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