You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
