She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Randomize
