just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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