Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
