Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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