i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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