Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I came so hard my ears popped.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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