i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
