Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
