You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
