guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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