a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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