It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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