i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
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Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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