Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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