why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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