Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
