just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
the raccoons are back...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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