I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
