my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
