Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
