so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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