I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
