Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So squirting runs in the family.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
