My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
