The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
