News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now