Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.