Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
