He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
