I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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