I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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