Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
