Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
