I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
