He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
